Love Anonymous

A song for you my friend with a troubled mind…

Shake it out- Florence + The Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Gets In My Head

Narrator is handsome ‘older’ gentlemen with whom I have a terrible crush on (and not the good type of terrible, the destructive terrible) for about a year now.  He is classic ‘approach avoidance,’ according to my psychologist friend, which means he only likes me when I am not interested in him (I know, I know).  Here are a string of emails, texts, messages that have transpired between us over the last year.  Notice the continual pattern of rejection:

Him: i’ve been meaning to seek a game of cards with you, but every time i think the time is right, SHE gets in my head and i don’t want to involve or disturb you with such shenanigans. me not calling is me protecting you from my problems. i hope this makes sense and doesn’t come across as very guy-like. i disappoint so many people. i’m trying honesty.

Him:i know i’ve been awfully uneven when it comes to hanging out or not, and that’s putting it mildly. but i would not mind at all hanging out again sometime soon, if you’re up for it. consider me a regular rock-throwing partner. 

Me: In the tradition of honesty, can we just be friends who occasionally hook up? No bullshit dating or coy game playing or cruel disappearing or crazy emotional crap. Just old fashioned friends who confide in each other, respect one another, and sometimes spend the night. This will require us to be honest and transparent. Thoughts?!

Me: So, it seems like we have the whole friendship aspect of our little arrangement down pretty well. When do we get to play around in the other realm? that of hands and thighs?

Him: Playing around: I don’t know, honestly. Especially since I’m not gonna be drinking any time soon and I’m going out of town again. But if I get drunk, I will do it any ol’ time. Otherwise, I’m often looking for a movie partner, as lame as that sounds.

AND YET THESE TWO INDIVIDUALS CONTINUE TO FLIRT.

A Heavy Heart…

My friend K sent me the following:

This sorta found its way into my notebook as I was writing the other day.

I know it is a bit silly, but humor me?  Its cathartic.

To: K

the conflicting wake of our orbits

committing casual cruelties

tiny maelstroms of cliché

word-filled undulations

disturb the flordian horizon,

upset the lawn ornaments,

make arthritic joints ache.

the stagnate wet heat versus the zephyrs of change.

this could be the build-up to a mighty tornado

yet the gentle course of the mini-windmill’s blades

betrays the reality.

only the windsock

raises his flag

in protest

to the sudden increase in our degrees of separation

S

Sometimes a reminder isn’t enough…

The two women talked and talked and talked about good men.  And finally they both had them. Then one left, decidedly devoid of the ability to emote.  And then the other was taken away by circumstance.  And no matter how the women tried to reason, they just couldn’t find any.  So finally it was decided that reason wasn’t enough…sometimes it just happens.  And even if we are reminded that those men are out there…..

So, now you too have to deal with the injustice of a relationship curtailed too soon.  And you are right, a reminder is NOT enough, esp. for you who have had SO MANY cruel reminders this year.  I cannot guess why the relationship gods are doing this to you, it’s completely and utterly unfair.  End of story.  They are unmerciful and seem to bully the most vulnerable mortals.  being in the favor of a good man is like sleeping in a bed made of pussywillows—soft, calming, comforting.  I think you are more deserving of that than anyone, and it’s been more than pleasurable watching him treat you beautifully and positively influence you.  You’re eyes just waltz around him, and your smile is wider than the Potomac.  It’s phenomenal, and his kindness is almost blinding.  I have no words of comfort to lift your heart out of your toes, it’s just going to live there for awhile.  But it will not live there forever.  Remember to let the mysteries remain mysterious, you will only shove your heart down lower if you start to look for reasons why.

I’m not calling you a liar…..

Dear _

You are a douche bag and you don’t even know it…which, is by far the worst kind of douche bag.  I will call you secret douche. You walk around and pretend you are a nice guy…but you are a douche in nice guy clothing.  HOW could I have figured out just how douche you were when my friends could vouch for you and you had them all fooled.  You shroud yourself in being a devout Christian or a cool yoga-loving hippie, or a sweet and sensitive musician.  I’d rather an obvious douche…the old fashioned kind, the ones who ply you with drinks, tell you how pretty you are and maybe call you by the wrong name.  At least these guys have a genuine interest in douchbaggery and preserving its lost art form.  Dearest secret douche….I HATE that I let you into my house, into my bed and gave a shit about hearing from you.  I’d love to tell you what a douche you are but that would probably make me look insane and would only stroke your ego.  Should have listened to my friends when they said “douche bags run with douche bags”  because I think your friends are assholes, and that should have been my first indication.  Cannot wait to see you out.

Yours in thought,

A prayer to the Gods

Almost a year ago, my friend and I started writing each other every single day.  There are days when we write multiple times a day about what we are obsessing over, what is going on during our day and as simple as what we have eaten for lunch.  This is one of my favorites, as she asked the relationship gods to bless us both.

And all the relationship gods, the ones who hated us and laughed at us and mocked us and dragged our hearts through the deepest pits of h3ll have shown a bit of mercy and perhaps shall I say it, favor?!  Oh great Gods of love and sex, we are worthy of affection, intimacy, and friendship with good solid men, if only given the opportunity, please, we will not abuse it this time, we will be open and careful, we will be appreciative and compassionate, oh please, please, please let us get what we want…we will praise you, our offerings deep and real…we will shed our skepticism and negativity, and will pay homage to your grace through action, action, action…  And love becomes a temple, and we begin to fear, than an unfeeling oracle will say, ‘you did come near…but you are not welcome here.’  This is who I am, all the places that I’ve been….a fondness and a breath, every love that I’ve been in.